Insomnia

So I am supposed to go work at the VA hospital (in the nursing home there) in 4 hours.  I cannot sleep for the life of me.  I was soo tired and couldn't get Aidan to bed until 11 and then I was wide awake, having major anxiety.  I can't do this CNA stuff.  It is just not my thing.  I am trying to reason with myself in not going because I feel so guilty for not providing for my family but then if I quit I feel guilty leaving a job without notice.   But isn't better to get trained in something instead of being thrown to the wolves.  That's what this is like.  No one is training me, I am supposed to know what I am doing but because I have never technically worked in this setting, I don't know.  But then I feel so bad not making money and having all that stress fall on Christian who isn't making enough money to support a family of 5.  I hope something will pan out.  I am supposed to hear from Denver Health this week.  Everyone keep their fingers crossed for me.  I really need that job.  (For those who don't know, I am trying to get a position there as a clerk.  It would give me a leg in when I become a nurse).

Aidan was so adorable but frustrating tonight.  He refused to go to sleep.  I had him lie in bed with me to see if it would help.  I was getting angry so he started yelling at me or telling me how things are.  I sniffled (my nose if very stuffed up) and he said, "Mama, are you sad?"  I went with it and said yes, I was sad because he doesn't listen to me.  He jumped in my arms and started crying and said that he didn't want me to be sad.  It was so sweet.  However, a few minutes later he said he didn't want me to be sad and he didn't want me to die like Papa Ed. For some reason he is struggling with Dad's death.  He has been talking about it all day.  I think he is at that age of questioning.

Wish me luck - on quitting a job, getting a job, and sleeping.

Hope all is well with everyone.