This blog

I know we haven't been using this blog as much lately, but that is OK. I do want to mention that the blog is open to anyone to read -- unless we change it to require each person to log in before reading it. Any preferences? I don't mind it being open -- just don't write anything you wouldn't want anyone to know (send an email instead). Because we've been getting spam comments in Chinese, I did change the permissions for comments to readers only. You may now have to log in to leave a comment.

Hope everyone is well! I am getting along ok. I talk to Jeff every morning before school over skype, and am managing to stay very busy. It's not as easy as I thought it would be to transition back to coming home to an empty house, but I'm sure that soon I'll get into a routine and before I know it, it will be time to go. Mom and I will drive to Denver around the 18th I think, and I'll leave for London on the 3rd June.

We had a couple of days in the 50s and then a record-breaker above 60(!), so spring is in the air! There's a strange phenomenon this year: snow mold. White stringy patches spot the dead grass in people's yards. Ick. Too much snoe too fast didn't allow decay to happen properly I guess?

Oh -- you have GOT to watch this video if you haven't already. It is amazing. One long take: OK Go: This Too Shall Pass

When does it end?

Wednesday I took the Jeep in for new tires. They called and said it needed new brakes all around. OK. I knew my brakes were going. They called again and said it needed new front rotors. Fine. I am now safe to the tune of $1000. (That's after new tie rods and CV joints for $1200 a few months back.)

Wednesday evening and Thursday morning Denali acted weird when I walked her. She would start limping, favoring different feet, and a couple times refused to walk through the frozen snow. I guess it's REALLY cold out. Then Thursday afternoon Cody called me when he got home from school and said Denali tried to dig her way out the front door of the apartment. There is damage to the carpet and carpet pad; there is a one foot long hole in the wall next to the door; and the trim on one side of door came off.

That same afternoon, I was driving to pick up Tara from school and got in an accident. I am fine, but the Jeep is in the shop with a busted up bumper, and I am driving a rental car - a red pick-up truck to be exact (the only fun thing in this whole ordeal). The tow and the rental car were covered under my insurance, but I have a $500 deductible for the repairs.

This morning I found half of Tara's fish dead and do not know why. Then when I was leaving to catch a ride with the tow truck, I heard Denali scratching at the front door again. I quickly placed a chair in front of the door to deter her. Before I made it out the downstairs door, she started barking. Who knows how long that lasted? When I got home this evening (after waiting a half-hour for my counselor who never showed up), the chair was tipped over and the carpet was pulled back again, but there was no carpet pad mess, and the hole wasn't noticeably bigger. Now she is constantly whiny. When I say "show me" she goes to the bone cupboard, but I've already given her some. Maybe she has cabin fever and wants to go for a ride. We haven't been to the dog park since Saturday and PetSmart since last week.

So I don't even know what to write in closing. I think I'm more stressed over Denali than the accident/Jeep. Of course, my financial situation seems to get more and more stressful, too. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm not seeing it tonight.

Owen's First Birthday

The cake was a little intimidating at first...
but he got past that.

October 18th, 2009, Happy Birthday Owen! We spent the day at the Zoo with perfect weather! KK & her kids came over for cake later. At 1 year old, Owen can point at things; he can say "bye" (says it like a little southern boy), "g'ma" (grandma), "mama", "dada", "buba" or "Gav"(Gavin), "no-no-no", "uh-oh", "go" (the dog), and meow at the cats. He started walking 10/13, likes music, carries toys around in his mouth like a dog, and has the most special relationship with his big brother. He loves anything in the sky--planes, helicopters, birds, stars, the moon. We are so blessed! :)

November 19th, 2009, Happy Birthday Dad! A month has gone by and Owen is growing and changing everyday. Gavin is doing fantastic! Dan is back to managing the pizza place and I am back at the toy store, this time as co-manager. It seems my life is going a little in reverse... unfortunately not far enough to have you here.

I am mentally sitting at the dining room table at the old house looking at the birds on the feeder on the deck. Dad is in his usual spot at the end of the table by the china cabinet. Barbara is cooking and talking with Deana. Some of the family is out hiking. Gavin wants to play a game on Dad's computer but decides to shoot bow&arrows with Kiote instead. And as Dad goes over the rules with them again, I stare at him wondering if he has any idea how much I love him...and oddly enough I don't have anything to say.

Happy Birthday to You. Happy Birthday to You. Happy Birthday Dear Da-ad. Happy Birthday to You.

I miss you sooo much. I love you! Wish you were here.

"Free at last!"

I think I said that quote when Tara started kindergarten. This time it involves my "third child". In other words, my divorce became final on 11-10-09. I can officially say I am a free woman, a single mom, a very happy person. I am also Deana Mueller again. : )

Check out our new Web site!

www.jillandjeff.us

(or www.jeffandjill.us works too)

Almost done...

I signed the settlement agreement today - just waiting on Craig's signature. I'm almost a free woman! : )

Questions in wedding planning...

Jeff and I are having a wedding planning meeting on Saturday. Any suggestions or ideas or requirements (food--allergy requirement, strong dislikes) would be welcome before then. Oh--has anyone been to the Best Western in Castle Rock? The local Castle Rock paper ranked it best in town. Does anyone have a mini-fridge or two that we could use for extra food storage at Barbara's? How many crock pots do we have in CO? Does anyone know anyone with a karaoke machine?

I'm sure I'll have more... just getting started!

Cell phone warning

Pop Corn téléphone portable micro-ondes
by sassiere

Consider yourself warned.

Things I've learned about riding trains long distances

1. If you feel the urge to take a nap during the day, do it! The chairs may look long and wide and comfy--but it is an illusion, a trick! You won't sleep well at night and should get every wink of sleep you can, whenever you can!

2. Bring a blanket--it gets cold. And a pillow if you can swing it.

3. Wear loose-fitting, comfortable pants that won't ride up or bunch up your undies during a long night of tossing and turning.

4. Bring snacks--including a thermos of hot water, soup packs, tea bags, and a bottle of wine and corkscrew. Have your own picnic in your seats or the snack car.

5. Keep a good sense of humor about the characters around you--they are going to be around for twenty hours, not three or four. Ignore the cookie crumbs the guy across the aisle keeps flinging your way...

6. Enjoy the scenery during the daylight hours. It is as beautiful and interesting as America is vast--and there are plenty of wide open spaces to gaze at.

7. Caffeine is key after a sleepless night. Drink lots of it and keep going!

8. Don't count on checking your bags in lockers at the train station--they cost an outrageous $4/hour. The art museum coat check will happily take them for the day though!

This is not your airport/airplane trip--no oppressive sense of crowding or rushing or panic. People mill around and some get to wave goodbye through train windows. Yes, it takes a lot longer, but you get a chance to just sit and enjoy it. Despite my problems sleeping (Jeff did slightly better with a few hours of solid sleep), we spent the day in Chicago tired but happy. We walked off the train, through downtown, and straight to the art museum where we spent the entire day looking at a lot of fantastic art. We figured out the trains to the suburbs (double deckers!) to stay with Shona's friends, and had a great time meeting them. Today we're going to a Cubs game and tomorrow we head home on a 7-hour bus ride. It has been a good adventure--things are just different enough that it is almost like visiting another country!

The PRE Results Are In

I am not OK either. Craig & the kids got what they wanted. 50/50. The PRE has recommended a 5-5-2-2 schedule. This means I have the kids every Wednesday & Thursday. Craig gets them every Monday & Tuesday. The weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) alternates.

They are also recommending on the off-weekends for Cody & I to have some one-on-one time and for Craig & Tara to have some one-on-one time. This is good.

Tara needs individual counseling. I should continue on with mine. Craig & I should meet with Tara's counselor for parenting counseling, in which Cody can join in for some family counseling here and there. Craig says they recommended counseling for him, too.

Craig does not have an alcohol problem.

I really don't know what to think about all this. I am still processing.

This does mean I can start packing and find a new house.

For the record...

For the record, I am not okay. I did not deserve any of this. I try to be strong and move on with the day, but I can't. I can't cope, I can't think straight, I can't be a good mom, and I can't find an effin job. I think everything has caught up to me and I realize how messed up life has become. I was supposed to be in a trusting marriage, happy family, and it's turned to shit. I wish I could forgive and move on but things keep popping up and stomping my heart. Deep down, I feel like I am going crazy. My car is being repoed, I can't work cause I can't afford day care, and then I have an RN license which can get me money to get out of this burden, but then no one is hiring. Life is crazy. I hope a year from now I can look back and say, "Whew, that was hard but look how much stronger I am." For the present, I just want to crawl in a hole and not talk to anyone and waste away. I feel horrible and ugly and worthless right now.

See you later, literally

My plane flight leaves tomorrow. I'll be in Colorado by tomorrow evening (on Tuesday, Aug. 11th).

See you soon.

Save your money and get your passports!

Jeff got a job in London! He's really thrilled about it and so am I. He'll be working for Oneworld UK on projects they are running/starting up in Nigeria and Senegal using cell phone technology and SMS messaging and/or computers to get information to youth about sexual and reproductive health issues (the project in Nigeria has been running for two years and is pretty successful and the Senegal project is just starting up).

Here's a link to a 10-minute video about the Nigeria project: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCHPH-Nx-hc
Or here's a link for a 2-minute video for a quick peek if you're in a rush: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bd882WWOwY&feature=related)

We think he'll be going around November 1st. I'll be finishing one last year of school here and go over late next May. Lots to sort out but it is all very exciting!

Congratulations Jeff!!

Oh--shall we plan for Thanksgiving in Colorado to feed the lonely blues I'll be shaking by then? ;)

It's a dad day :(

Well today started off seeing Katharyn post Dad's video from the memorial service. It caught me off guard so of course I cried. So Aidan kept asking "Do you miss your dad cause he's in the stars?" So sad. So then we go to Barbara's house. It was a good day. However, on the way home Aidan says, "Can I call Grandpa Ed on the phone? I want to say good bye." It broke my heart. So I told him he can talk to him whenever and wherever and he will hear him. So we get home, and Aidan insists we sit outside and look to the sky and talk to Dad. I say some things, then he says how he's older now and will shoot a gun when he is older. Then, total tear jerker, he says, "I miss him so much. I wish he would live with me. When he comes out of the stars I want to give him a BIG, tight hug!" He then proceeded to come over to me and show me how he would hug him. Man, I miss Dad and I wish he could see his grand kids.

Happy Birthday, Shona!

Just thinking of you on your birthday... Love ya!

- Tara, Cody & Deana

Mr. Grumpy

This picture is a little blurry (it's hard to get a clear shot when the nest is over my head), but I had to post it. This guy did not want his picture taken. See how much bigger he is compared to his sibling? He must be quite the bully. Maybe he pushed the one who died out of the nest, although here he looks like he's protecting the smaller one...

Growing, growing...

Yesterday, I found one of my baby Barn Swallows dead on the front porch. He had most of his feathers, so he must have been fairly healthy, and if he fell, he should have been able to slow down the fall, so I'm not sure why he died. Anyway, here are some more pics as they grew.

July 14th

July 15th

July 19th

July 23rd

New Chapter

Well guys, I did it! I passed the NCLEX! this is hopefully the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in my life. I will begin the job search ASAP. I have decided to apply throughout the whole state. Considering the hard times, I will probably have to apply at nursing homes. :(

So i would have to say this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life - considering all the hardships that have happened. But I prevailed. I made it. I don't think I have ever been proud of myself in my whole life.

A Few Memories

Remember when...

... in the big house with the horses in Colorado... Some time after renovating the kitchen, Dad attached a paper clip to a light bulb and put it in the microwave. He turned on the microwave, and the light bulb lit up. Seconds later, the light bulb imploded. That was DAD... he did that. Pretty cool.

... in the same house, during Christmas, I think... we had company over, and I went to get a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge in the garage. Dad opened it, and the water instantly froze. For whatever reason, I'm having a hard time remembering who was visiting. It was the family we've known since we lived in Virginia.

I was just thinking about a few things today. I wanted to share.